fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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