does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
