Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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