What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fuck me I smell like cheese
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
