You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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