My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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