i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
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They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
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He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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