On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
no, he came in my armpit
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dude i'm inner monologue high
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
