just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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