Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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