If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
