I cannot find my penis.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
