Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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