and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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