I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
