i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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