I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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