I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
