Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
