When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
