He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
