i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
