Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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