My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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