god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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