You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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