It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
