so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
