Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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