genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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