so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this boner is exhausting
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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