and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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