They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
