I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
