last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
