I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize