paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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