I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Hippo gnu deer
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
