My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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