when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
