Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
