So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
