I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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