I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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