So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
