Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
