I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Randomize
