Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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