He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
