So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
