My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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