i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
