it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
