I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
