I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
