i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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