some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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