I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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